This past week I realized how horribly out of shape I am. I knew I was out of shape, but it's a lot worse than I thought. My mother in law very kindly gave me her Zumba work out DVD's because she knows I really love to exercise, but can't get out to do it much with the kids. So I tried one of the DVD's. It was ok, but it did cause some pain (I'll get to the source of the pain shortly). The next night John and I decided to do a P90X workout. It didn't go very well. Needless to say it was pretty discouraging. The most discouraging part about it though isn't that I'm just in bad shape. It's that the pain is preventing me from being able to do the whole workout so that I can get into better shape. It's not that I can't do all of the repetitions because I get to tired or winded. I can't do all of the exercises because the pain stops me.
When I was pregnant with Mary I got an inguinal hernia, not uncommon. After she was born it went away. No problem. When I was pregnant with Anna it came back. And I got one on the other side as well. This time they were bothering me. We decided to wait until after she was born to see if they would go away again, and then we could decide if I needed surgery to repair them. Unfortunately Anna's birth didn't go all that well. The c-section seemed to go fine. It wasn't planned like Mary's was (Mary was breach so I had to have a c-section and chose not to try a v-bac). In fact, Mary's 3rd birthday party was scheduled for that afternoon. On the morning of the party I woke up early with pain. Went to the hospital to check it out hoping it would be fine to come home and have the party. I wasn't in labor yet, but they said it could be the start of it. Went home. Was there for about 15 minutes when a new, horrible pain in my back started. Within another 10 minutes it hurt so bad I was crying so John took me to the hospital where the pain was so bad all I could do was lay there and moan, cry and throw up every few minutes. They figured it was a kidney stone and fluid around my kidney and the only way it would go away was to have the baby. So they gave me a shot of demorol and we headed to the other hospital where my doctor was (it was about 30 minutes from our home). Poor Mary's party was cancelled. Thankfully Grandma Sue was there and she didn't seem to notice too much. Anyway, the c-section was around 6pm. Anna came out weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces. Small compared to Mary who was 7 pounds 8 1/2 ounces. She was breathing a little fast so they put her on oxygen or something...I'm really not sure because that's when I started to go downhill. After they sewed me up I never stopped bleeding. I was losing quite a bit of blood. They had to give me 6 units of blood in a transfusion. But they couldn't figure out why I was still bleeding and couldn't get it to stop. The pain was great. I continued to have contraction after contraction. I was on morphine, but it didn't seem to touch the pain. I don't remember seeing Anna or holding her. That makes me sad. The next day they decided they had to cut me back open and search for the cause of the bleeding. They did so, found it and were able to save my uterus (the doctor told me beforehand that there was a good chance I would have to have a hysterectomy). There was large amounts of pain after this double surgery, but then I started to heal and about 2 months after I was doing well enough to start jogging a little bit (obviously Anna was ok and was able to go home the same time as me). At some point I realized that the hernias were not gone this time. I went back to the doctor and he said they needed to be repaired. I chose to do it right away. It's been about 2 months now and it still hurts. I went back to the doctor 2 weeks ago and he said that the surgery had been difficult because of my previous surgeries and he said I could wait for 2 to 3 months to see if the pain goes away or go back into surgery and he would cut the nerve that he "thinks" is causing the pain. So that is why it hurts to exercise and why it is discouraging. I don't know when or if the pain will go away. I know it sounds like I'm a whiner and just feel sorry for myself and maybe I am and do. But I do know that I am lucky to be alive and that Anna was healthy. I also know that there are many others who live with much worse. It's just discouraging right now. Eventually I will be back to normal. I know this post was long, but I have a lot of backtracking to do. I'll try to make it shorter next time.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. And it doesn't matter how much pain anybody else has, it's your pain and you have to deal with it. And what you are probably figuring out is that the pain sucks, but not being able to do the things you want to do but can't because of the pain is somehow worse. If you have a nerve telling your body to be in pain when you shouldn't and cutting it is a fix, and that's something you could do right now, I'd say don't wait. The problem with chronic pain is that it tends to build on itself. In other words, pain begets pain.
ReplyDeleteYou know I've been dealing with this for a long time. I am always hear to listen. I can't imagine how awful it would be to have the pain located where yours is. Uh, how awful! And to have your responsibilities. Please don't think you can't talk to me about it for any silly reason, because talking/writing/sharing is immensely helpful.
You are in my thoughts, my sister.